I will not be quiet

Over the last couple of weeks I have had amazing opportunities to stand up for what I believe in.
I have had a choice to go out of my way to participate in a broken, difficult and vulnerable world or to complain from the side lines.

Moments of activism include:
Attending the People's Vote march on the 20th October.
Speaking in the Christian/ Atheist debate on campus.
Praying for an end to indefinite detention in the UK.
Sending in comments for OBC 'harmony in diversity' discussions.

These are all quite different, but have each taught me more about the depths of empowerment.

The prompt for this post came from Beth, who spoke to me at the Bath Just Love launch a few weeks ago, after time in prayer and pre worship Beth uttered these words 'don't be quiet Amy, for you are very great'. Obviously this went straight into a notebook and I left it to be pondered on. Less than 24 hours later I became the second speaker for the Christian/ Atheist debate. The significance of this will be unpacked later on!
As I pondered on it this song came to mind... https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zLvIw8J8sWE (I can't keep quiet, MILCK)
I hope by sharing my experiences in this post I encourage you to stand up and be counted for the issues close to your heart.

In chronological order my moments unfolded like this...

17th October - Prayer Meeting
20th October - March
24th October - Harmony in Diversity discussion evening
31st October - Rationality of Faith Debate

If you would like a musical accompaniment to part one, I suggest this:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nfXwzMi1FxA (Weep With Me, Rend Collective)

So let's start with indefinite detention, this is an issue I have raised on my blog before -https://myonlinenotebookacf.blogspot.com/2018/07/striving-for-consistency.html
I can't remember the first time I was told that the UK are the only country in Europe to not have a time limit on detention. Every other country in the EU has a 28 day limit, this is still absolutely horrific, but it does mean there is an element of legal protection for the citizens of nowhere that end up in detention.
To spell it out the UK has the ability to hold people on no evidence if the government thinks they are a threat to national security when they come through border control. Here is an extract from Liberty's website:
https://www.libertyhumanrights.org.uk/campaigning/end-indefinite-detention
Every year the Home Office locks up nearly 30,000 people, including asylum seekers, children, elderly people, pregnant women and survivors of torture, trafficking and rape.
They have no idea when they will be freed. No judge authorises their incarceration. The Home Office alone makes the call.
Some people are held for years in chaotic detention centres where neglect and abuse are rife.
Indefinite detention separates families and devastates people’s mental health. Self-harm and suicide attempts are common.
Immigration detention should be used only as an absolute last resort. But in the UK it’s the brutal everyday reality for thousands and thousands of people.
This is happening in our name – and we can stop it.
There’s a growing chorus of voices from every walk of life and all political beliefs calling for a 28-day time limit on immigration detention.
And in 2018 we can make it happen.
The Government will soon publish a draft law establishing our post-Brexit immigration system.
This is our chance to put a time limit into UK law – a crucial first step towards ending the suffering and uncertainty.

Organise an event in your community, local school, workplace, advocacy group or even just among family and friends to raise awareness of the devastating effects of indefinite immigration detention and to call for a 28-day time limit.
Download the Liberty End Indefinite Detention Campaign Pack or request one in the post. When you request a printed copy, we’ll also send you an End Indefinite Detention poster and #ItsAboutTime badge.
Get the End Indefinite Detention Campaign Pack

Two women detained at Yarl's Wood Immigration Removal Centre in Bedfordshire

What is immigration detention?

"My experience in detention broke the trust I had in the Government, and the country I have lived in for the last twenty years."

Kasonga, held in Harmondsworth and Colnbrook Immigration Removal Centres

The UK’s regime of routine immigration detention is one of the largest in Europe – and, because there’s no time limit, it’s the most draconian.
Detention centres fail to meet even basic standards of safety and respect, with instances of fatal use of restraint, denial of medical treatment, filthy and overcrowded conditions and allegations of sexual abuse.
Reports suggest 10 people died in detention in 2017 alone. Most took their own lives.
Research by the British Medical Association, Amnesty International, Women for Refugee Women and many others has laid bare the serious mental and physical harm indefinite detention causes – not just to people in detention, but to their children and loved ones.

The human cost of immigration detention is huge – but it also fails to deliver the gains politicians want. Every year, the Government wastes around £76 million of taxpayers’ money on the long-term detention of people who it ultimately releases.
Other countries use a range of effective alternatives to detention which have led to low rates of detention and high rates of voluntary return.

As the article suggests we have a window this year to end indefinite detention with a new immigration bill. It is 70 years since the Universal Declaration of Human Rights was created, mark this occasion by standing up for the vulnerable and oppressed.

This is an issue that I am passionate about, I am eager to spread awareness in anyway I can. It shocks me that so many people are unaware that this practice goes on in our 'civilised' country. I shared a snapshot of this at a prayer meeting and led prayer on this issue. I encourage you to do lift up this issue in prayer and contact your MP.

I will not stay quiet on this issue. 

If you would like a musical accompaniment to part two, I recommend this: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vDwKPUumIHo (No Outsiders, Rend Collective)

The second way I have raised my voice was by joining 700,000 people in protesting Brexit. This was an awesome experience! Students led the protest in central London with FFS the university branch of the People's Vote campaign. I went on a coach with other students at Bath and spent the day chanting, meeting fellow activists and taking amusing photos.

If you aren't sure what the People's Vote is about then take a minute to read this article:https://www.peoples-vote.uk/we_need_a_vote
There is more to this cause than the stereo-type of elitist sore losers.
No one voted for the Irish troubles to be restarted.
No one voted to be poorer as food prices go up.
No one voted for a rise in hate crime against people who are different to 'us'.
No one voted knowing that Vote Leave had broken electoral law.
No one voted for medicine to be stockpiled.

If I could turn back the clock then I would implore David Cameron to never call a referendum, I would ask him to stand up for what he knows is right and not give in to the leavers in his party. If still a referendum was called I would demand a super majority of 75% to ensure we didn't recklessly embark on huge constitutional change without a strong mandate. If still Brexit went though I would ask Theresa May to not trigger Article 50 until the government had an actual plan. I would then ask that in negotiations we treat people with respect at all times and remember that stereo-types only cause pain. But turning back the clock isn't in my power.
So the next best thing is to ask that the government go back to the people now we know SO much more about what leaving the EU would look like. If still a majority vote for the PM's deal or a no deal Brexit, fine. But until we go back to the electorate we are taking a huge risk with young peoples future, and I believe this is unacceptable.

I will not stay quiet on this issue.

Ended up on the front page of the daily mail with this crazy photo! Was stood at the front of the march for one hour whilst we were waiting for other groups to get organised. One hour of press taking photos, I smiled and smiled, but the only photo is of me looking tired and a bit smug... oh dear.

Shout out to Meg who had blue and gold lipstick!

Chilling with the Mayor of London.

This is the entrance to the cabinet office...

Getting the Lib Dem's some much needed publicity!

If you would like a musical accompaniment to part three, I suggest this: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xpxY5VsvVOA (Extremists of Love and Grace, Paul Bell)
Now onto the 'Harmony in Diversity' talks at OBC.
My home church set aside the month of October to unpack perspectives on homosexuality in the church. This has been two years in the coming, with the conversation opening up as a result of a sermon series on scorning shame.

Week One saw a laying of the ground rules, moments of reflection on why we hold the views we currently do on gay relationships and prayers for the upcoming speakers.
Week Two involved a gay minister sharing why he believes celibacy is what gay Christians are called to.
Week Three saw a straight minister sharing why he believes the church should embrace gay Christians and celebrate gay relationships as equal to straight ones.
Week Four saw a time of discussion, a chance for the members to share their thoughts and journeys.
I participated in this from afar by listening to the talks, reading the q&a and sending in my thoughts to be read out in week four.

My journey on this topic has been interesting - I have always felt the need to stand up for those society calls 'other', therefore I have always been pro gay relationships and same sex marriage. I am really proud that as Liberal Democrats we made this law in 2014. https://www.libdems.org.uk/committing-to-promoting-lgbt-rights-and-same-sex-marriage-across-the-globe
Highly recommend this book about the passing of the Same Sex Marriage Act: https://www.waterstones.com/book/equal-ever-after/lynne-featherstone/9781849549745
As I became more serious about my faith from 2014 onwards I began to worry that I was putting my moral beliefs about equality above the biblical call to honour marriage. This was an uneasy experience for me. At the time I had never experienced leaders/ teachers/ family members either speak for or against same sex relationships, so didn't know where to stand.

Then I heard Tim's sermon on scorning shame in 2016 and felt a weight lifted.
Finally I was being given biblical grounding that spoke to my desire for marriage equality. Since this moment onwards I have spoken a fair amount about the way my faith informs my belief that healthy relationships between consenting individuals deserve absolute celebration and support -no matter what. This has led to a lot of disagreeing well with people around me. This has at times been quite painful and involved a lot of deep breaths, but I know that my experience is nothing compared to individuals who live in fear of rejection as they decide whether to come out to their church.

Reading Vicky Beeching's book this summer has consolidated my desire for the church to change - https://www.waterstones.com/book/undivided/vicky-beeching/9780008182144
I am conscious that this blog post is getting quite long, so won't go into more detail about my views here. But if you would like to chat about this topic more, then please get in touch! Am always happy to have a talk about any of these issues over coffee and cake!




I will not be quiet on this issue.

Next, the debate! A musical accompaniment for this part I like is this: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5ELgpKldCgY (Here I am Send Me, Darlene Zschech)

This debate has been in some ways a long time coming and in others a very quick turn around.
Through being an active member of the debating society I have had many conversations about a ridiculously wide range of topics, faith included. This has meant that a official debate on the Christian Worldview has been the desire of several of my crazy debating friends (Tom and Sophie, looking at you). So when the CU asked if I would be interested in hosting one with Michael Ots the speaker for November events week, I thought it was too good an opportunity to turn down. This did however mean arranging four speakers and a motion, filling in lots of paperwork and a fair amount of stress over 4 weeks. Other public debates we have spent a few months preparing for, so the fact that this one was set into motion at the end of September and has taken place this week is impressive/ insane.
The theme for events week is perspective.
So the motion became - This House Believes the Christian Worldview is the most rational perspective to hold.
I was happy to do a debate this challenging, because I was confident I wouldn't be speaking... you can imagine how this unfolds!
Being the feminist I am, I made a rule at the start of the year that we would never run a public debate without female speakers. Never did I imagine this would be as challenging as its proved to be.

Long story short, we had two female speakers organised, and they both cancelled after the deadline to get an external speaker passed. This meant the only option was to have a female student speak. My committee enjoyed saying 'if only we knew a female Christian student who was a keen public speaker...' and eventually I gave in and became the second speaker for the government.

It then turned out that I had made the mistake of praying for something like this to happen at New Wine, Toby's line in West Wing comes to mind 'when the God's wish to punish us, they answer our prayers'. Knowing that being chair of the debating society was a big opportunity I prayed these words 'you have blessed me with opportunities to speak and be heard- I lift my role in debating up to you, here I am send me. Use my voice to raise the level of debate on campus.'
As I came across this in my prep I smiled a knowing smile.

The debate is now done, and I am thrilled with how it went.
Was a part of a very long day and a very worthwhile one.
We had about 70 people come in and out, 40 Christians and 16 Atheists at the start. And then 44/ 18 at the end, as well as a few people who didn't vote.
I was pleasantly surprised at the amount of fun I was able to have whilst discussing such serious issues. I felt that from the start of the debate the room was open minded and respectful to both sides which was brilliant. We talked about creation, suffering and what is means to be human. Have attached most of my opening speech, unfortunately it cuts off before I go into my final point, if you would like a transcript of the whole thing then let me know and I can email it to you!

The feedback I have had post debate has been lovely, from strangers to CU members to debating friends it has been so interesting to hear their views. There has definitely been a ripple effect as people have been having deep conversations all across campus this week.
As I write this I have this morning been asked to take part in a panel discussion on Faith and Feminism on the 26th November, which I am thrilled about. Is wonderful to see one thing lead to another.

I will not be quiet on this issue.

Prayer Requests:

- For an end to indefinite detention in the UK. For everyone who is detained now and for the people in positions of power who could bring this practice to an end.

- For great conversations to keep on happening as students engage with the end of events week and mull over all the questions that have been explored.

- For the CIP Influence Tour which picks up again this weekend, you can find out more here-
http://www.christiansinpolitics.org.uk/latest/events/

- For Brexit negotiations and everyone involved in them to remember the vulnerable as they make decisions on such a big scale.

- For me as I continue to grow in my role as Chair of the Debating Society, especially with the schools competition coming up on the 1st December.

- For family and friends who are making big decisions around their future at the moment.

Thank you for making it to the end of my 26th blog post, I hope you have a week full of activism!

My Story, My Speech #blurtitout

Blurt is an organisation I have supported for a while now - they are a social enterprise dedicated to helping those who affected by depression. This year people all over the UK are taking part in the Blurtathon, 21st September, and this blog post is my contribution. 

'Think of us a as the knowing nod. You've seen it - a slight bob of the head, often accompanied with a smile. A little movement that says "I understand" - "I am listening" - and "I am here for you". That's who we are.'

https://www.blurtitout.org/about/

And this year the focus is on raising awareness through sharing our experiences -  'we all have a story'. Reports show that one of the most powerful ways to overcome social stigma is sharing our mental health stories with those around us. I know this to be true in my own life, when people have had a glimpse into my story many say 'I would never have realised, when I look at you I don't see someone with depression' people see a busy, ambitious and friendly young woman. 

https://www.blurtitout.org/2018/08/10/big-blurtathon/

I am Amy. 

I am a Christian. 

I am a sister.

I am a friend.

I am a medication user.

I am a social justice activist.

I am a Liberal Democrat. 

I am a debater.

I am a scar bearer. 

I am a West Wing fan.

I am notebook obsessed. 

I am a person who has lived with mental illness since I was 10.

I am Amy.

These different parts of my identity don't clash or cancel each other out, they are all true. 

Many of you reading this know me well and have supported me through the last ten years, thank you. 

But I still think this is important to document and share. Because this is still a daily reality and there is always more we can know about mental illness and depression. 

So have decided to list things I know to be true and hope they raise questions, memories and break down walls:

1) Labels can be a blessing and a curse. 

In my life time I have been diagnosed with Depression, Anxiety, high functioning/atypical Asperger syndrome, Non-Verbal Learning Difficulty and Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. These are all the main ones, there have been other words used over the last 10 years but they blur into each other. None of these descriptions have ever provided me with a sense of relief, some have caused me to feel better understood, some have caused immense anger and others confusion. It's not only the words used to describe who you are and what's going on that matter, it is the way in which they are delivered. The tone of voice, the level of certainty and the body language of the professional is what has stayed with me.

Sometimes having labels can help you access help you would otherwise be denied, this is incredibly helpful! Having the atypical Asperger label meant I qualified for the disabled student allowance, this gave me a printer, £200 printing allowance, a dictaphone, software and a laptop with a £200 contribution, and two hours a week with a revision tutor and an hour a week with a mentor. I started my time at university saying yes to all of the above and then as time passed turned down or adjusted to what was helpful.

https://www.gov.uk/disabled-students-allowances-dsas

2) Church can be a nightmare.

Church, a body of people worshiping God.

Whilst it is meant to be a hospital for the broken, a place where everyone is welcome and no one is excluded it can be a really difficult place for someone with mental illness to be.
When I was my most ill, in my early teenage years, I walked out of church for a few years because it was just too painful. It felt like the relentless messages of love, hope and miracles were unrealistic... the optimism pushed me away. The gospel all felt too good to be true and the sentiment 'if it is too good to be true, then it probably is' rang in my ears.


The idea of going up for prayers was tricky, the fact that the language was always 'going up' put pressure on me to act and single myself out - which is something that often felt too difficult. If the prayer space was at the front then the decision was harder.

However church can be a place of refuge, a place that I can be completely myself and let my calm and collected mask fall. This has been especially true at St Michaels in the last year, I love this church and I feel I belong. Thank you for welcoming me and checking in with me each week, I so appreciate it. Am looking forward to joining a life group this year, keen to set aside time to do bible study and share the inevitable chaos with a small group. 

3) Scars don't fade completely. 

Self harm was a topic I wanted to include in the blog post, but I wasn't sure how to go about it. I didn't want to scare people or make them feel uneasy around me knowing that I have self harmed. I talked about this with friends and sort of put it to one side for a while, planning this blog post over a couple of weeks has allowed me to do this.

And then I went to conference and spoke in an emergency motion debate about the reduction of self harm. This is something I was never planning to do, others go to conference and having seen the motions announced well in advance do some research and prepare a speech. Everyone then gets to conference and can fill in a speakers card, it is then up to the organisers of the debate who gets called and in what order. They look to provide diversity and balance in every debate.
In most debates the main stage speeches are 5 minuets and interventions are 60 seconds.
At my first conference a few years ago I did an intervention on the all women shortlist debate to 16 thousand people. This year I spoke to a few thousand and did a 3 minute speech, emergency motions are always shorter.

I only found out that self harm reduction was on the cards on Sunday afternoon, had I not been in the auditorium at that moment I would have never had the overwhelming experience that has now come to pass. I think the motion was inspired by Ruth Davidson's article earlier this week.

https://www.theguardian.com/politics/2018/sep/16/ruth-davidson-praised-after-talking-openly-about-mental-health-issues-scottish-conservative-leader

I then had to weigh up whether I was going to take the risk of being vulnerable and speak out about my experience. On a speakers card you have to explain what you would say and why your speech would add to the debate. I did this and handed in my speakers card before I could change my mind.

I wrote my speech at 11:30pm on Sunday evening and delivered it at 10:16am Monday morning.
Usually when I am planning a speech I go straight to speech notes format, however for emotional speeches I write them out in full.


Started Monday early and sent out my prayer requests to my closest friends, on my walk to conference I muttered my speech to myself and changed some of the language, (side note) verbal processing is really important to me, this is a key part of my Non Verbal Learning difficulty.
Got to conference and transferred my sentences into speech notes (see photo). Did a couple of timed practices with Connor before waiting to be called, it wasn't until the second half of the debate that young people were called to talk about their own experiences. Not knowing that this would come I was very nervous that the only thing harder than being called was not being called having now done all the preparation. It was relief rather than nerves that then rushed through me on hearing 'standby Amy Fortnam'.


When I was welcomed onto the stage I rushed up the steps meaning the announcer was unable to say the full introduction 'Amy Fortnam from Bath and North East Somerset' this is my only regret! As this means on the BBC parliament live recording my name is unable to be up on the screen as they had no chance to hear it, ops!
This is the link to my speech *I am on from 1:16, but would recommend listening to the whole debate which starts with Norman Lamb at 48 minutes* https://www.bbc.co.uk/iplayer/episode/b0bkzgk6/liberal-democrats-conference-2018-18092018-live-morning-session

So without fully appreciating it at the time I got a chance to stand on a platform, share my story and announce my interest in running for parliament. The response has been so so so much more than I could ever have hoped for. Amazing moments include:

1. A lady coming up to me telling me she was going to show my speech at her local party, so moved was she by my words. Additionally to have fellow lib dems share their stories with me about their own lives was truly an privilege. I have never been prouder to be a Liberal Democrat, no other party has such a strong record on mental health and to have a debate on such a specific issue at national conference is amazing. If you are inspired by this insight to the Liberal Democrats please consider joining our movement, or becoming a supporter - https://libdems.secure.force.com/LiberalDemocrats/NewMemberRegistration

2. One of the organisers of the debate telling me she had been worried about people sharing their own experiences and making themselves so vulnerable - but after my speech she turned to her co-organiser and said 'we didn't need to worry'. She went on to tell me that she was excited to see where I go within the party and would support me.

3. Being mentioned in James and Lee's speeches that followed mine, they are both great campaigners and am so encouraged by their attitude towards mental health and being a Liberal Democrat. James is now PPC for Bristol, so keep a look out for a new MP in the commons!

4. Being told that I would make a great member of parliament by several people, this was truly an honour and meant more to me on this day than any other. People now knew one of my biggest secrets, my scars being something that I had hidden and deflected interest in for so many years AND they still thought I could have a career in politics.

5. The reach count on the Bath University Liberal Democrat Society page going up and up and up. As I write this it stands at 1,194 views - just take a moment to think about this, it blows my mind.

6. The reaction of my first Facebook post, oh my was this unexpected - never have I had a post liked and commented on so much. For many people this was the first time they were hearing about my mental illness and self harm scars, and for them to respond with compliments and such kindness showed me just how incredible my friends are. And to anyone who may have questions or would like to know more then please get in touch, I am always open to a conversation over a hot chocolate.

7. The reaction on my second Facebook post, with link to speech included, was even more emotional for me to see. Now people weren't just responding to my closing remarks they had listened to the speech and knew more information. To still respond with lovely comments and messages to me was another wave of wow.

So my scars haven't faded completely, even after years, but they tell part of my story and they are clearly not holding me back!

4) Medication is complicated.

Ugh don't I know this to be true! I hate being on medication, over the years I have been on SO many and had varying degrees of 'success'.
Side effects mean that no medication is perfect, or even close.
The drugs I am on at the moment mean I am always gaining weight regardless of what I eat. This is pretty rubbish, but it means that I am stable and can make good self care decisions.
I hope it will only be a matter of months till I am medication free, but this is unlikely.
Talking therapy has always been the most helpful for me, but as with everything its a matter of trial and error. It took me eight years of going in and out of therapy and on and off drugs before I had a break through. Now I try and keep the lessons and skills I learnt in DBT at the forefront of my mind, especially when I feel like I am spiralling.
With the help of friends who I have shared my triggers and care plans with then I am able to function and achieve fairly good academic grades, but it is hard work.
Like a duck, whilst I may look like I am in control on the surface there is always a lot of leg kicking going on underneath the water. 

5) Early vulnerability is really helpful.

If I was to have a moto then maybe it would be 'dare to be vulnerable' this is something that I have reaped the reward of many many times. Especially when it comes to friendship, trusting people with my day to day challenges has been so beneficial. It has meant that my friendships run deep and others trust me with their own messy lives. Not everyone knows everything about my mental health journey and that is okay. I am so lucky to have friends all over the place and always have someone I can call on when I need to.
My university friends are remarkable in their championing of me, having only met a year ago this weekend it is a bit crazy how well we know each other and how much impact we've had on one another's lives.

Something I have with a few people is a 'X' system. Whenever I need prayer I send them a 'X' I don't need to explain anything, they just know to support me. They send the same to me and this has been so mutually beneficial. Sometimes later in the day I will catch up with them and have a conversation about whatever it was but I never feel under pressure to do so.
Many messages were sent out before I did my speech on Monday, thank you guys!
 

This is the end of my list.
I hope you have found this informative and take a moment to think about your support team. Have you asked people to cheerlead you? Help you make decisions when your brain won't work? And pray for you on call? I would highly recommend pondering and perhaps note booking some thoughts around self care, you don't need a mental illness to have mental health. We all benefit from looking after our brains and planning in advance of crisis.
Follow Blurt on twitter, Instagram and facebook to get updates on things you can do to help people with depression. They have a brilliant social media team who do their job incredibly well. One of Blut's main projects is the monthly buddy box, it is 'a hug in a box' they are really lovely to send to yourself or friends.

https://www.blurtitout.org/buddybox/

Whilst writing this blog post I listened to these songs, they are from my 'be still' playlist - would recommend creating your own:

I wouldn't be who I am by the amazing Aquapella (Bath's acapella group!) - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=C8wG1pzZtOI

Peace - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZLSWtamikJk

This is how I fight my battles - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vx6mfAgHDsY

Stand by Me (royal wedding) - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=odZ9GVuyfkc


Prayer Requests

- For my transition back to Bath and a good start to my second year! Part of my to do list this year is to find 9 months of placement work, another highlight of conference was talking to Will (a friend of mine that works in HQ) who said he could organise some time at party HQ for me. My current plan is to perhaps do this for 3 months and something else for 6!

- For a good freshers week, I am going between the debating stand and the lib dem one. Am hoping that there is great engagement on both and I can finish the week energised rather than completely exhausted.

- New plans to increase my energy though improving my gut health to go well.

- For a balance between my work and my support, looking forward to joining a life group at St Michaels for the first time.

Thank you for making it to the end of my 25th blog post - I hope you have a great week and dare to be vulnerable with those around you. 

Striving for consistency

On Monday I went to see 'The Duchess of Malfi' at the Royal Shakespeare Theatre - it was unlike any stage performance I have ever seen - the Guardian sums it up well 'striking, powerful and blood-soaked'. At the end of the gory play a lady sat next to me remarked 'it's not real, is it..?' I thought this was a fascinating response. On a superficial level she is of course correct, the story we had just watched unfold was fictitious, however on a human level it was not only real but a frequent nightmare for many.

https://www.rsc.org.uk/the-duchess-of-malfi/



The play was as breath taking as it was because it displayed abuse, rape and murder in a terrifyingly naturalistic manner. The body language, emotion and verbal delivery was painfully raw, sat in the front row I felt like a helpless bystander witnessing torture - the very worst of humanity. It followed the lives of the recently widowed Duchess and her two morally corrupt, jealous and violent brothers. So desperate were they to inherit her power and riches they killed her lover, children, the duchess and in the end they themselves get caught up in the havoc. As you can imagine it was quite the heart racer!

The unique element of this play was the use of blood. The second half of the play saw the stage get covered in a pool of blood, a sack was burst from the inside of a dead pig and caused a dramatic leak. This meant that all the action in the second half involved the actors walking across the stage getting their feet covered in blood, as each fight took place the blood spread further and further until almost every member of the cast was drowning in red. The sheer quantity of blood meant people in the front row were provided with blood blankets in case of splash...

Anyway now you have some context, back to the lady who sat next to me... 'it isn't real, is it...?' what I wanted to say is -  are you aware that this play is so powerful because it is inspired by the pain endured again and again by the human race? Are you aware innocent people are being detained indefinitely in the UK? Are you aware that people are tortured on the tiniest shreds of evidence everyday? Are you aware that every time the England team loses a international game domestic abuse rises by 38%? Are you aware of the privilege it takes to utter that sentence?


Dirty competition, greed and abuse are not unique to thriller fictions. 
We, the audience, were allowed to walk away. 

It goes without saying that in "real life" victims don't get this luxury.
And there is a key word - victim. 
'A person harmed, injured, or killed as a result of a crime, accident, or other event or action'
As affected as I can sometimes feel by human right abuses I have never been the victim of abuse in this context. This line is a valuable one. There must be a balance between empathy and indifference. This is where my title - striving for consistency, becomes relevant. I seek to be an advocate for the voiceless but never a replacement orator. It is not for me to tell their stories in a way that suggests that their version is now unnecessary. 
I hope this makes sense, I am still getting my head around how to best implement this in my life, I am imperfect and conscious I make mistakes in this area. 

*side note* I am becoming increasingly invested in campaigning for an end to indefinite detention in the UK, last year I ran a session on it as part of my Amnesty workshops at Alderbrook, had external speakers come in a discuss it - was eye opening. You can read more about it here - http://detentionaction.org.uk/campaigns/indefinite-detention-in-detail

On the way to Stratford Sophie and I had a conversation about being an ethical consumer, about our imperfections and desire to be conscious of where our money was going. We discussed the difficulty of staying informed and being consistent in our shopping - perhaps buying a top made from organic cotton but from a company that uses slave labour, ticking one box but firmly crossing another. Sophie made the important point that whilst we can only do our bit, it is worth doing and we should never feel sorry for ourselves as if we are the ones that are victims of fast fashion/ global capitalism/ poverty.
It is helpful to hold in mind 'if I am buying this product/ service for a surprisingly low price then someone else is making up the difference... is my economic gain really worth it?'
This sentiment is useful but not watertight, not everyone has the financial security to make this distinction, not everyone is aware of the impact of globalisation and we are imperfect even when we have the best intentions and are bound to slip up here and there.

At this point I thought it would be helpful to list some practical ways I am striving to be morally consistent... I want to try and make sure I am both talking and walking the walk:

- Buying from charity shops and not feeling guilty if I am buying a product that comes from a questionable brand because my money is going to charity not supporting the brands practice. *side note* charities aren't infallible either... but if you keep looking for an ideal exchange then you will end up living as a hermit!

Recent purchases from COW Vintage shop in Birmingham.

- Setting up a monthly standing order for NGOs I want to support (UNICEF & Home for Good).
https://www.unicef.org/
https://www.homeforgood.org.uk/
And a standing order for my charity account, from this pool of money I give to causes that I have become aware of that month, adding flexibility to this arrangement. This is a way of forcing myself to be generous regularly and in a more sustainable less impulsive way.
For more information on effective altruism I would recommend this book - https://www.waterstones.com/book/doing-good-better/william-macaskill/9781783350513

 - Being a member of Amnesty International (did you know this about me?!) and getting seasonal magazines that are full of accessible information on global human rights. Can't recommend this enough, each magazine has a specific campaign focus, has first hand accounts and is full of actions that you can take quickly to put pressure on the decision makers across the world.
https://www.amnesty.org/en/get-involved/join/

- Reading books that are written by people who have lived through injustice.
Here are a few of the most powerful non fictions I have read or are newly on my bookshelf, happy to lend any of these.
Enemy Combatant - https://www.waterstones.com/book/enemy-combatant/moazzam-begg/victoria-brittain/9781416522652
1000 Lashes - https://www.waterstones.com/book/1000-lashes/raif-badawi/constantin-schreiber/9781771642095
Guantanamo Diary - https://www.waterstones.com/book/guantanamo-diary/mohamedou-ould-slahi/larry-siems/9781782112853
Why I am no longer talking to white people about race - https://www.waterstones.com/book/why-im-no-longer-talking-to-white-people-about-race/reni-eddo-lodge/9781408870587

- Following a diverse range of people/ news outlets/ political opinions on social media. Trying and not doing a great job at getting out of a liberal echo chamber.

- Listening to those who disagree with me.
Going to insert in here of the disagreeing well Christians In Politics clip, would a blog post of mine be complete without a CIP mention?
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=23MEShLYoJ4
Have done this by having frank conversations with conservative/ labour friends, leave voters and trying to proactively get outside the student bubble at uni - church in Twerton and local lib dems.

Photo from summer ball, from left to right we are stood in our positions on the political spectrum. Featuring Jake (labour), Me (Women's Officer for lib dems at Bath), Connor (chair of lib dems at Bath), Orla (treasurer for lib dems at Bath) and Jordan (chair of conservatives at Bath)

- Signed up to Tearfund text alerts to get prayer requests written in response to crisis situations that often go unreported. https://www.tearfund.org/about_you/pray/whatsapp/

- Being 100% veggie at uni to cut down my meat intake. Have a look at The Real Meal Deal for information about the human/ environmental impact of having unstainable eating patterns and food waste. https://www.facebook.com/therealmealdeal2015

- Using ecosia as my search engine - it uses advertising money to plant trees. https://www.ecosia.org/

- Recognising that I am young, idealistic and overly empathetic and this comes with a bunch of pitfalls when it comes to trying to see the world through an open minded lens.

Something I am now going to start doing is a quick internet search on the main shops I buy from before I purchase products, all most all companies have a social responsibility and reading this allows customers to make an informed choice. Things to look out for include:

- Labour practices
- Material sourcing
- Environmental footprint in transport/ use of chemicals in products/ how the profit from the products is distributed
- Ability to recycle product/ packaging


Not quite sure how to end this blog post, know all of this is going to keep swimming around my brain as I have this week started to research and apply for my placement that will start July/ August 2019. This process is reminiscent of choosing my gap year project, faced with almost limitless opportunity going to try and soak it up!
Listened to the Hamilton Mixtape whilst writing this - didn't know I could love the musical more but I do, thank you again Sophie for introducing me. Especially 'History has its eyes on you' ... SO BEAUTFIUL.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3-Y9Sn3vOmk&list=PLf5RBJBB-
m0YSImu3lFwAkSCd5UlLuZw6&index=21

Sophie coming to stay!

If you have made it this far then you might well be in need of some stirring words from Obama to lift your spirits, here you go - https://www.facebook.com/ajplusenglish/videos/1255202997954538/

"Love comes more naturally to the human heart, let's remember that truth. Let's see it as our north star. Let's be joyful in our struggle to make that truth manifest here on earth. So that a hundred years from now future generations will look back and say they kept the march going, that is why we live under new banners of freedom "

Prayer Requests:

- For progress on a personal, local, national and international level towards a more inclusive, equal and loving world where human beings are treated with the dignity they deserve.

- For peace with imperfection.

- For energy to keep fighting the good fight.

- For community and a sense of belonging, we are not alone in trying to make the world a better place.

- For both a restful and productive summer holiday for myself and fellow students.


Thank you for making it to the end of my twenty fourth blog post. Have a life changing week.

365 days later

Yesterday marked the one year anniversary since I flew to Cape Town, and today marks a year after I arrived. This reality is utterly bizarre in my mind; my trip both simultaneously feels like I only left yesterday and that it was a life time ago.

This is one of my pin boards in my uni room, have covered it in memories. Got this beautiful map from the Waterfront. 

This is another board up in my room, the bottom row is photos from my gap year, and all the others are uni photos. The hot air balloon mobile is also from Cape Town as well as the Nelson Mandela postcards (courtesy of Sophie).

I have anticipated these couple of days a lot over the last month or so, and been thinking about where I am at now. On Saturday the Rob Bell talk 'Drops Like Stars' drifted into my mind and I spent the day listening to sections of it until I completed the 2 hours.
It is a beautiful discussion about suffering.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pNZQOIUjlnM
Rob Bell covers SO many things in the talk but here are a few parts that stuck out to me:

- "God came into the world to scream beside us"
This was helpful to hear, I believe that God can move mountains and turn around the criminal justice system in Cape Town within seconds but that has yet to happen. I also believe that just because God hasn't done that doesn't mean he doesn't care. I rarely cry about my experience in Cape Town, but I often get angry. To know that God's heart breaks for every gang shooting, young person abandoned and child that gets abused helps me trust that he is loving and justice will come.

I read this prayer recently and found it very thought provoking. This is an extract:

' If you look at nothing but sorrow and sin, your heart may first be full of love and pity, but presently anger - righteous perhaps, but still anger - will enter and begin to crowd out love... it is not enough to know the world is full of evil, we must know also that God is good.'

- 'God wastes nothing'
  'This too will shape me'

I had forgotten that this story was included in the 'Drops like Stars' talk: Rob Bell talks of his therapist getting out a sign from the bottom left draw of his desk and holding it up to him every time he got carried away with complaining and spiralling - it says 'The God who wastes nothing'. The therapist would do all of this silently and once Rob had read it, then the sign returns to the draw.
I find this image immensely grounding.

Cape Town isn't the first challenging situation I have had in my life by any means, and when I reflect on past struggles then now I can see what I could not see before - the shaping and strength that I was blessed with throughout. I know myself inside out and that awareness has come from thinking through relationships and events in lots of detail.
The more time that passes between my trip and the present day the more processing I will have done. I hope for the highest appreciation that I can have of the messy reality of my highest of highs and lowest of lows that took place.

- 'Nothing is wasted... and nothing ceases to be precious to me'

The idea that I can treasure every day of my trip is one I am slowly grasping.
Since being at university, a lot of the time I have resented my time working for Projects Abroad Human Rights Law Firm. That is quite a painful sentence to type out. The work was hard, the structures I worked in were unjust, the rate of change was much, much too slow.
And whilst I have the luxury of moving on with my life, and going to university and meeting more amazing people, I know that is not a reality I share with many of the people I worked with in Cape Town.

Whilst I can keep dreaming, it felt like the young people I met had already given up and resigned themselves to a disappointment - allowing life to wash over them. This breaks my heart.

Yesterday started with anxiety and heavy emotion but it didn't take long for that to transform into gratitude. There were even glimpses of excitement for the future.
I can't tell you how special this was.

11 notebook pages were filled.

Over the last two days I have thought several times about what I was doing this time last year. This led to remembering random details of my trip and thinking about what my first week was like. It was full of unknowns.
Right now I also feel like lots of tasks are being asked of me and the structure and timing is unknown. But that is okay.

This is a photo of my new, equally beautiful, city of Bath.

During this time of reflection I have been listening to these songs:

- Spirit Break Out https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5_TOOXRpn8w (sang this at Every Nation church and it was beautiful, listening to it takes me back to a time of amazing worship)

- One Thing Remains https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6_KXsMCJgBQ (this is quite an old song, but was sung at church on Sunday and felt really powerful)

- Unsteady https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=V0lw3qylVfY (good to listen to with the volume turned up)

- Even If https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=B6fA35Ved-Y (SUCH a challenging song)

- Stand by You https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GCIybau9qj8 (this is sung by the Drakensburg Boys Choir and have listened to this on repeat over the last few months)

Some weeks I would write a post and the words and stories would just flow out of me - other times it was challenging to work out what I wanted to communicate. Right now I am definitely more in the second situation.
Part of me wants to end this post with a call to action, and encourage everyone to fly to Cape Town and see the things I saw, but I know that isn't going to happen. However thinking more about prisons and justice is something that I can help you with:

Prison Hope - http://www.prisonhope.org.uk/
Prison Alpha - https://alpha.org/prisons
Is it even worth it? - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fpl84D-uNmY (yes I am including this AGAIN)

As I write this post, it would be easy to get caught up completely in the past. But there is something that is the same right now as it was this time last year and that is Lent.
I committed to the 40 acts challenge in my early days in Cape Town and am going the same here in Bath. Instead of giving something up I am choosing to do a generous act each day. Having this link is really helpful, and a reminder that no matter where I am in the world then I can make a difference.
If you would like to find out more follow this link - https://40acts.org.uk/?result=success

Today I spent the day at uni, met up with Stephi and chatted about gap years in South Africa, was the BEST. Notice my Table Mountain earrings!

Prayer Requests:

- For the water crisis in Cape Town, the drought was causing really difficult problems when I was there last year and has only got worse. Please pray for rain and wise decisions when it comes to rationing and planning for day zero.

- For the transition from President Zuma to the new President Cyril Ramaphosa - may Ramaphosa learn from the mistakes and chaos of Zuma's time. May this mark a new time of justice in South Africa.

- For Wednesday - I have an important meeting, which is scary but hopefully really helpful.

- For hope.

Thank you for making it to the end of my twenty third blog post. I really appreciate your participation on this journey with me.