Blurt is an organisation I have supported for a while now - they are a social enterprise dedicated to helping those who affected by depression. This year people all over the UK are taking part in the Blurtathon, 21st September, and this blog post is my contribution.
'Think of us a as the knowing nod. You've seen it - a slight bob of the head, often accompanied with a smile. A little movement that says "I understand" - "I am listening" - and "I am here for you". That's who we are.'
And this year the focus is on raising awareness through sharing our experiences - 'we all have a story'. Reports show that one of the most powerful ways to overcome social stigma is sharing our mental health stories with those around us. I know this to be true in my own life, when people have had a glimpse into my story many say 'I would never have realised, when I look at you I don't see someone with depression' people see a busy, ambitious and friendly young woman.
I am Amy.
I am a Christian.
I am a sister.
I am a friend.
I am a medication user.
I am a social justice activist.
I am a Liberal Democrat.
I am a debater.
I am a scar bearer.
I am a West Wing fan.
I am notebook obsessed.
I am a person who has lived with mental illness since I was 10.
I am Amy.
These different parts of my identity don't clash or cancel each other out, they are all true.
Many of you reading this know me well and have supported me through the last ten years, thank you.
But I still think this is important to document and share. Because this is still a daily reality and there is always more we can know about mental illness and depression.
So have decided to list things I know to be true and hope they raise questions, memories and break down walls:
1) Labels can be a blessing and a curse.
In my life time I have been diagnosed with Depression, Anxiety, high functioning/atypical Asperger syndrome, Non-Verbal Learning Difficulty and Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. These are all the main ones, there have been other words used over the last 10 years but they blur into each other. None of these descriptions have ever provided me with a sense of relief, some have caused me to feel better understood, some have caused immense anger and others confusion. It's not only the words used to describe who you are and what's going on that matter, it is the way in which they are delivered. The tone of voice, the level of certainty and the body language of the professional is what has stayed with me.
Sometimes having labels can help you access help you would otherwise be denied, this is incredibly helpful! Having the atypical Asperger label meant I qualified for the disabled student allowance, this gave me a printer, £200 printing allowance, a dictaphone, software and a laptop with a £200 contribution, and two hours a week with a revision tutor and an hour a week with a mentor. I started my time at university saying yes to all of the above and then as time passed turned down or adjusted to what was helpful.
https://www.gov.uk/disabled-students-allowances-dsas
Sometimes having labels can help you access help you would otherwise be denied, this is incredibly helpful! Having the atypical Asperger label meant I qualified for the disabled student allowance, this gave me a printer, £200 printing allowance, a dictaphone, software and a laptop with a £200 contribution, and two hours a week with a revision tutor and an hour a week with a mentor. I started my time at university saying yes to all of the above and then as time passed turned down or adjusted to what was helpful.
https://www.gov.uk/disabled-students-allowances-dsas
2) Church can be a nightmare.
Church, a body of people worshiping God.
Whilst it is meant to be a hospital for the broken, a place where everyone is welcome and no one is excluded it can be a really difficult place for someone with mental illness to be.
When I was my most ill, in my early teenage years, I walked out of church for a few years because it was just too painful. It felt like the relentless messages of love, hope and miracles were unrealistic... the optimism pushed me away. The gospel all felt too good to be true and the sentiment 'if it is too good to be true, then it probably is' rang in my ears.
The idea of going up for prayers was tricky, the fact that the language was always 'going up' put pressure on me to act and single myself out - which is something that often felt too difficult. If the prayer space was at the front then the decision was harder.
However church can be a place of refuge, a place that I can be completely myself and let my calm and collected mask fall. This has been especially true at St Michaels in the last year, I love this church and I feel I belong. Thank you for welcoming me and checking in with me each week, I so appreciate it. Am looking forward to joining a life group this year, keen to set aside time to do bible study and share the inevitable chaos with a small group.
Whilst it is meant to be a hospital for the broken, a place where everyone is welcome and no one is excluded it can be a really difficult place for someone with mental illness to be.
When I was my most ill, in my early teenage years, I walked out of church for a few years because it was just too painful. It felt like the relentless messages of love, hope and miracles were unrealistic... the optimism pushed me away. The gospel all felt too good to be true and the sentiment 'if it is too good to be true, then it probably is' rang in my ears.
The idea of going up for prayers was tricky, the fact that the language was always 'going up' put pressure on me to act and single myself out - which is something that often felt too difficult. If the prayer space was at the front then the decision was harder.
However church can be a place of refuge, a place that I can be completely myself and let my calm and collected mask fall. This has been especially true at St Michaels in the last year, I love this church and I feel I belong. Thank you for welcoming me and checking in with me each week, I so appreciate it. Am looking forward to joining a life group this year, keen to set aside time to do bible study and share the inevitable chaos with a small group.
3) Scars don't fade completely.
Self harm was a topic I wanted to include in the blog post, but I wasn't sure how to go about it. I didn't want to scare people or make them feel uneasy around me knowing that I have self harmed. I talked about this with friends and sort of put it to one side for a while, planning this blog post over a couple of weeks has allowed me to do this.
And then I went to conference and spoke in an emergency motion debate about the reduction of self harm. This is something I was never planning to do, others go to conference and having seen the motions announced well in advance do some research and prepare a speech. Everyone then gets to conference and can fill in a speakers card, it is then up to the organisers of the debate who gets called and in what order. They look to provide diversity and balance in every debate.
In most debates the main stage speeches are 5 minuets and interventions are 60 seconds.
At my first conference a few years ago I did an intervention on the all women shortlist debate to 16 thousand people. This year I spoke to a few thousand and did a 3 minute speech, emergency motions are always shorter.
I only found out that self harm reduction was on the cards on Sunday afternoon, had I not been in the auditorium at that moment I would have never had the overwhelming experience that has now come to pass. I think the motion was inspired by Ruth Davidson's article earlier this week.
https://www.theguardian.com/politics/2018/sep/16/ruth-davidson-praised-after-talking-openly-about-mental-health-issues-scottish-conservative-leader
I then had to weigh up whether I was going to take the risk of being vulnerable and speak out about my experience. On a speakers card you have to explain what you would say and why your speech would add to the debate. I did this and handed in my speakers card before I could change my mind.
I wrote my speech at 11:30pm on Sunday evening and delivered it at 10:16am Monday morning.
Usually when I am planning a speech I go straight to speech notes format, however for emotional speeches I write them out in full.
Started Monday early and sent out my prayer requests to my closest friends, on my walk to conference I muttered my speech to myself and changed some of the language, (side note) verbal processing is really important to me, this is a key part of my Non Verbal Learning difficulty.
Got to conference and transferred my sentences into speech notes (see photo). Did a couple of timed practices with Connor before waiting to be called, it wasn't until the second half of the debate that young people were called to talk about their own experiences. Not knowing that this would come I was very nervous that the only thing harder than being called was not being called having now done all the preparation. It was relief rather than nerves that then rushed through me on hearing 'standby Amy Fortnam'.
When I was welcomed onto the stage I rushed up the steps meaning the announcer was unable to say the full introduction 'Amy Fortnam from Bath and North East Somerset' this is my only regret! As this means on the BBC parliament live recording my name is unable to be up on the screen as they had no chance to hear it, ops!
This is the link to my speech *I am on from 1:16, but would recommend listening to the whole debate which starts with Norman Lamb at 48 minutes* https://www.bbc.co.uk/iplayer/episode/b0bkzgk6/liberal-democrats-conference-2018-18092018-live-morning-session
So without fully appreciating it at the time I got a chance to stand on a platform, share my story and announce my interest in running for parliament. The response has been so so so much more than I could ever have hoped for. Amazing moments include:
1. A lady coming up to me telling me she was going to show my speech at her local party, so moved was she by my words. Additionally to have fellow lib dems share their stories with me about their own lives was truly an privilege. I have never been prouder to be a Liberal Democrat, no other party has such a strong record on mental health and to have a debate on such a specific issue at national conference is amazing. If you are inspired by this insight to the Liberal Democrats please consider joining our movement, or becoming a supporter - https://libdems.secure.force.com/LiberalDemocrats/NewMemberRegistration
2. One of the organisers of the debate telling me she had been worried about people sharing their own experiences and making themselves so vulnerable - but after my speech she turned to her co-organiser and said 'we didn't need to worry'. She went on to tell me that she was excited to see where I go within the party and would support me.
3. Being mentioned in James and Lee's speeches that followed mine, they are both great campaigners and am so encouraged by their attitude towards mental health and being a Liberal Democrat. James is now PPC for Bristol, so keep a look out for a new MP in the commons!
4. Being told that I would make a great member of parliament by several people, this was truly an honour and meant more to me on this day than any other. People now knew one of my biggest secrets, my scars being something that I had hidden and deflected interest in for so many years AND they still thought I could have a career in politics.
5. The reach count on the Bath University Liberal Democrat Society page going up and up and up. As I write this it stands at 1,194 views - just take a moment to think about this, it blows my mind.
6. The reaction of my first Facebook post, oh my was this unexpected - never have I had a post liked and commented on so much. For many people this was the first time they were hearing about my mental illness and self harm scars, and for them to respond with compliments and such kindness showed me just how incredible my friends are. And to anyone who may have questions or would like to know more then please get in touch, I am always open to a conversation over a hot chocolate.
7. The reaction on my second Facebook post, with link to speech included, was even more emotional for me to see. Now people weren't just responding to my closing remarks they had listened to the speech and knew more information. To still respond with lovely comments and messages to me was another wave of wow.
So my scars haven't faded completely, even after years, but they tell part of my story and they are clearly not holding me back!
And then I went to conference and spoke in an emergency motion debate about the reduction of self harm. This is something I was never planning to do, others go to conference and having seen the motions announced well in advance do some research and prepare a speech. Everyone then gets to conference and can fill in a speakers card, it is then up to the organisers of the debate who gets called and in what order. They look to provide diversity and balance in every debate.
In most debates the main stage speeches are 5 minuets and interventions are 60 seconds.
At my first conference a few years ago I did an intervention on the all women shortlist debate to 16 thousand people. This year I spoke to a few thousand and did a 3 minute speech, emergency motions are always shorter.
I only found out that self harm reduction was on the cards on Sunday afternoon, had I not been in the auditorium at that moment I would have never had the overwhelming experience that has now come to pass. I think the motion was inspired by Ruth Davidson's article earlier this week.
https://www.theguardian.com/politics/2018/sep/16/ruth-davidson-praised-after-talking-openly-about-mental-health-issues-scottish-conservative-leader
I then had to weigh up whether I was going to take the risk of being vulnerable and speak out about my experience. On a speakers card you have to explain what you would say and why your speech would add to the debate. I did this and handed in my speakers card before I could change my mind.
I wrote my speech at 11:30pm on Sunday evening and delivered it at 10:16am Monday morning.
Usually when I am planning a speech I go straight to speech notes format, however for emotional speeches I write them out in full.
Started Monday early and sent out my prayer requests to my closest friends, on my walk to conference I muttered my speech to myself and changed some of the language, (side note) verbal processing is really important to me, this is a key part of my Non Verbal Learning difficulty.
Got to conference and transferred my sentences into speech notes (see photo). Did a couple of timed practices with Connor before waiting to be called, it wasn't until the second half of the debate that young people were called to talk about their own experiences. Not knowing that this would come I was very nervous that the only thing harder than being called was not being called having now done all the preparation. It was relief rather than nerves that then rushed through me on hearing 'standby Amy Fortnam'.
When I was welcomed onto the stage I rushed up the steps meaning the announcer was unable to say the full introduction 'Amy Fortnam from Bath and North East Somerset' this is my only regret! As this means on the BBC parliament live recording my name is unable to be up on the screen as they had no chance to hear it, ops!
This is the link to my speech *I am on from 1:16, but would recommend listening to the whole debate which starts with Norman Lamb at 48 minutes* https://www.bbc.co.uk/iplayer/episode/b0bkzgk6/liberal-democrats-conference-2018-18092018-live-morning-session
So without fully appreciating it at the time I got a chance to stand on a platform, share my story and announce my interest in running for parliament. The response has been so so so much more than I could ever have hoped for. Amazing moments include:
1. A lady coming up to me telling me she was going to show my speech at her local party, so moved was she by my words. Additionally to have fellow lib dems share their stories with me about their own lives was truly an privilege. I have never been prouder to be a Liberal Democrat, no other party has such a strong record on mental health and to have a debate on such a specific issue at national conference is amazing. If you are inspired by this insight to the Liberal Democrats please consider joining our movement, or becoming a supporter - https://libdems.secure.force.com/LiberalDemocrats/NewMemberRegistration
2. One of the organisers of the debate telling me she had been worried about people sharing their own experiences and making themselves so vulnerable - but after my speech she turned to her co-organiser and said 'we didn't need to worry'. She went on to tell me that she was excited to see where I go within the party and would support me.
3. Being mentioned in James and Lee's speeches that followed mine, they are both great campaigners and am so encouraged by their attitude towards mental health and being a Liberal Democrat. James is now PPC for Bristol, so keep a look out for a new MP in the commons!
4. Being told that I would make a great member of parliament by several people, this was truly an honour and meant more to me on this day than any other. People now knew one of my biggest secrets, my scars being something that I had hidden and deflected interest in for so many years AND they still thought I could have a career in politics.
5. The reach count on the Bath University Liberal Democrat Society page going up and up and up. As I write this it stands at 1,194 views - just take a moment to think about this, it blows my mind.
6. The reaction of my first Facebook post, oh my was this unexpected - never have I had a post liked and commented on so much. For many people this was the first time they were hearing about my mental illness and self harm scars, and for them to respond with compliments and such kindness showed me just how incredible my friends are. And to anyone who may have questions or would like to know more then please get in touch, I am always open to a conversation over a hot chocolate.
7. The reaction on my second Facebook post, with link to speech included, was even more emotional for me to see. Now people weren't just responding to my closing remarks they had listened to the speech and knew more information. To still respond with lovely comments and messages to me was another wave of wow.
So my scars haven't faded completely, even after years, but they tell part of my story and they are clearly not holding me back!
4) Medication is complicated.
Ugh don't I know this to be true! I hate being on medication, over the years I have been on SO many and had varying degrees of 'success'.
Side effects mean that no medication is perfect, or even close.
The drugs I am on at the moment mean I am always gaining weight regardless of what I eat. This is pretty rubbish, but it means that I am stable and can make good self care decisions.
I hope it will only be a matter of months till I am medication free, but this is unlikely.
Talking therapy has always been the most helpful for me, but as with everything its a matter of trial and error. It took me eight years of going in and out of therapy and on and off drugs before I had a break through. Now I try and keep the lessons and skills I learnt in DBT at the forefront of my mind, especially when I feel like I am spiralling.
With the help of friends who I have shared my triggers and care plans with then I am able to function and achieve fairly good academic grades, but it is hard work.
Like a duck, whilst I may look like I am in control on the surface there is always a lot of leg kicking going on underneath the water.
5) Early vulnerability is really helpful.
If I was to have a moto then maybe it would be 'dare to be vulnerable' this is something that I have reaped the reward of many many times. Especially when it comes to friendship, trusting people with my day to day challenges has been so beneficial. It has meant that my friendships run deep and others trust me with their own messy lives. Not everyone knows everything about my mental health journey and that is okay. I am so lucky to have friends all over the place and always have someone I can call on when I need to.
My university friends are remarkable in their championing of me, having only met a year ago this weekend it is a bit crazy how well we know each other and how much impact we've had on one another's lives.
Something I have with a few people is a 'X' system. Whenever I need prayer I send them a 'X' I don't need to explain anything, they just know to support me. They send the same to me and this has been so mutually beneficial. Sometimes later in the day I will catch up with them and have a conversation about whatever it was but I never feel under pressure to do so.
Many messages were sent out before I did my speech on Monday, thank you guys!
This is the end of my list.
I hope you have found this informative and take a moment to think about your support team. Have you asked people to cheerlead you? Help you make decisions when your brain won't work? And pray for you on call? I would highly recommend pondering and perhaps note booking some thoughts around self care, you don't need a mental illness to have mental health. We all benefit from looking after our brains and planning in advance of crisis.
Follow Blurt on twitter, Instagram and facebook to get updates on things you can do to help people with depression. They have a brilliant social media team who do their job incredibly well. One of Blut's main projects is the monthly buddy box, it is 'a hug in a box' they are really lovely to send to yourself or friends.
https://www.blurtitout.org/buddybox/
Whilst writing this blog post I listened to these songs, they are from my 'be still' playlist - would recommend creating your own:
I wouldn't be who I am by the amazing Aquapella (Bath's acapella group!) - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=C8wG1pzZtOI
Peace - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZLSWtamikJk
This is how I fight my battles - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vx6mfAgHDsY
Stand by Me (royal wedding) - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=odZ9GVuyfkc
Prayer Requests
- For my transition back to Bath and a good start to my second year! Part of my to do list this year is to find 9 months of placement work, another highlight of conference was talking to Will (a friend of mine that works in HQ) who said he could organise some time at party HQ for me. My current plan is to perhaps do this for 3 months and something else for 6!
- For a good freshers week, I am going between the debating stand and the lib dem one. Am hoping that there is great engagement on both and I can finish the week energised rather than completely exhausted.
- New plans to increase my energy though improving my gut health to go well.
- For a balance between my work and my support, looking forward to joining a life group at St Michaels for the first time.
Thank you for making it to the end of my 25th blog post - I hope you have a great week and dare to be vulnerable with those around you.
If I was to have a moto then maybe it would be 'dare to be vulnerable' this is something that I have reaped the reward of many many times. Especially when it comes to friendship, trusting people with my day to day challenges has been so beneficial. It has meant that my friendships run deep and others trust me with their own messy lives. Not everyone knows everything about my mental health journey and that is okay. I am so lucky to have friends all over the place and always have someone I can call on when I need to.
My university friends are remarkable in their championing of me, having only met a year ago this weekend it is a bit crazy how well we know each other and how much impact we've had on one another's lives.
Something I have with a few people is a 'X' system. Whenever I need prayer I send them a 'X' I don't need to explain anything, they just know to support me. They send the same to me and this has been so mutually beneficial. Sometimes later in the day I will catch up with them and have a conversation about whatever it was but I never feel under pressure to do so.
Many messages were sent out before I did my speech on Monday, thank you guys!
This is the end of my list.
I hope you have found this informative and take a moment to think about your support team. Have you asked people to cheerlead you? Help you make decisions when your brain won't work? And pray for you on call? I would highly recommend pondering and perhaps note booking some thoughts around self care, you don't need a mental illness to have mental health. We all benefit from looking after our brains and planning in advance of crisis.
Follow Blurt on twitter, Instagram and facebook to get updates on things you can do to help people with depression. They have a brilliant social media team who do their job incredibly well. One of Blut's main projects is the monthly buddy box, it is 'a hug in a box' they are really lovely to send to yourself or friends.
https://www.blurtitout.org/buddybox/
Whilst writing this blog post I listened to these songs, they are from my 'be still' playlist - would recommend creating your own:
I wouldn't be who I am by the amazing Aquapella (Bath's acapella group!) - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=C8wG1pzZtOI
Peace - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZLSWtamikJk
This is how I fight my battles - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vx6mfAgHDsY
Stand by Me (royal wedding) - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=odZ9GVuyfkc
Prayer Requests
- For my transition back to Bath and a good start to my second year! Part of my to do list this year is to find 9 months of placement work, another highlight of conference was talking to Will (a friend of mine that works in HQ) who said he could organise some time at party HQ for me. My current plan is to perhaps do this for 3 months and something else for 6!
- For a good freshers week, I am going between the debating stand and the lib dem one. Am hoping that there is great engagement on both and I can finish the week energised rather than completely exhausted.
- New plans to increase my energy though improving my gut health to go well.
- For a balance between my work and my support, looking forward to joining a life group at St Michaels for the first time.
Thank you for making it to the end of my 25th blog post - I hope you have a great week and dare to be vulnerable with those around you.
