Please don't turn away - the cost of caring

I am currently freaking out about the GE 2019.
Polls are predicting a Conservative majority by 68 seats.
This is a reason to panic.
We have 14 days till election day, and till my 22nd birthday. Please research the options you have in your constituency, think about how you would vote ideally and realistically.
Take a look at tactical options, manifestos and TV debates.

Apathy is a choice.

https://tacticalvote.co.uk/






I am always engaged in current affairs, I tell myself I am going to give myself a break and this means not reading more than the first few lines of an article or only spending 15 minutes on Twitter (time out apps are keeping me sane). But never do I delete the BBC News app or not think about what is going on in the world.

This leads to political anxiety.

I appreciate this may sound like I am a 'snowflake', 'weak liberal' or some other patronising term that is associated with young people having too many feelings. But if it is then I will wear that badge with pride. And if you can turn away from horror, chaos and stupidity on a daily basis then 99% of the time I don't envy you.

I have always been a deeply empathetic person and cared about both those I know well and those I will never meet.


A few years ago I came across the sentiment that to be apathetic was an immense privilege, to say 'I don't do politics', to say that 'you don't understand and therefore aren't that bothered', or to generalise and say 'oh they are all as bad as each other'. From that moment on wards I became deeply uncomfortable with the idea that I could turn away from those in power and simply continue leading my life day to day.


Even writing this now, I feel angry. I feel guilty. I feel determined.

I have a ridiculous amount of privilege.
I am white.
I am well educated.
I have a nuclear family.
I haven't had to worry about finances in any serious way.
I have a home with my own room and have done almost all my life.
I am academic.
I am fit in a hetronormative society.
I am cis gendered.
My disability is invisible (this can work both ways, but mostly works in my favour).
I am rarely in the minority.
I live in a democracy.
I have the right to vote.
I have access to free press.
I have access to the rule of law.
I have travelled.

I could go on.
I am angry that these states of being have come to me out of a unjust lottery system.
I am not responsible for obtaining these privileges, I am incredibly fortunate.

The only way to respond to these ridiculous odds it to use my privilege to help others.
A fundamental part of this is to acknowledge my privilege and then to go out of my way to learn/ listen and lift up those who are systemically discriminated against. To get out of the way and make space. To be prepared to get it wrong and be corrected.

One of the ways I can do this is to engage in diverse, detailed and depressing news.
This comes at a cost. I could turn away and pretend that there isn't a world outside my day to day experience and I could congratulate myself on everything I achieve due to 'hard work' alone.
But if I seriously believe that every human being is worthy of dignity and respect, that human rights are inalienable and universal, then the responsibility to act lies with me.


This is all me laying the ground to ask you to turn towards injustice, deep frustration and darkness.
You don't have to care about all the things I do, study what I do or read the books I do.
You don't have to join my political party or pressure groups of choice.
But I implore you not to turn away from politics in every sense of the word.

If you believe that politics doesn't affect you - then you are mistaken.
If you believe that your life will be better if you don't trouble yourself with the local/ national/ international suffering then you have to be comfortable with complicity. And you better hope that the tide never turns in your direction and you need the Human Rights Act as more than a theoretical concept.

I am not perfect at any of this.
I am flawed, inconsistent and selfish.
I can forget the privilege I have.
So this semi speech, doesn't come from a sense of superiority but from a deep longing to see everyone, especially young people, engage on a daily basis with the power structures at work in society.

I write this now because I am especially stressed about the way politics is playing out in the UK at the moment and for the international ramifications of this.
I have been very stressed this week and found myself obsessing over political commentary, refreshing sites and riding a unhealthy emotional roller coaster.
There have been times when I've wanted to give up and retreat into apathy.
But I can't help myself, I care.

This summer I have joined Liberty, so as to financially support efforts to safeguard human rights in the UK. I became scared about the rhetoric I was hearing and felt compelled to respond. I am a member of Amnesty International and I support Unicef monthly. I have taken on a voluntary role at LDHQ as a copywriter a couple of months ago so as to support in the General Election efforts from the comfort of a bed and blanket. I can't do everything but I can always chose to do something.
I can give money, I can give time and I can give my voice.

This blog post may come across as a desperate plea, and it is.
What are you concerned about?
What are you passionate about?
What would you like to see change?
What privilege do you have?
What are you doing to support those society shuns?
Who are you listening to?
Who are you encouraging?
Who are you lobbying?

There are many states of emergency that you can step into and add your resources to.
The climate emergency, the arms trade, working poverty, homelessness, mental health waiting times, gender inequality, FGM, forced marriages, structural racism, violence against women, LGBTQ+ rights, disability awareness, electoral law, international aid... take your pick.

To be an activist isn't easy and nor should it be, so much is at stake.
Here are some empowering/ educational things I turn to, several of these I've mentioned before but are worth repeating (the ones in bold are the ones that if you see nothing else I would recommenced you look at these!:

Spoken Word Poetry

Adrenaline Rush by Rudy Francisco: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Jh09jZ49N9g
Explaining Depression to a Refugee by Muna Abdulhai: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eAE1Cf6YupU
I'm a quite average time traveller: by Harry and Chris: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kT2DDSDfc-I&list=PLYc-59kUHA_iTRg88ucSDtxkFVfwlvEvx&index=3
Is it even worth it? Justice: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fpl84D-uNmY
When the Bough Breaks by Andrea Gibson: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AYTLQyix5a4

Books

Injustice by Clive Stafford Smith: https://www.waterstones.com/book/injustice/clive-stafford-smith/9780099572190
Undivided by Vicky Beeching:https://www.waterstones.com/book/undivided/vicky-beeching/9780008182168
Why I am no longer talking to white people about race:https://www.amazon.co.uk/Longer-Talking-White-People-About/dp/140887055X
The Declaration of the Rights of Women by Olympe De Gouges: https://www.waterstones.com/book/the-declaration-of-the-rights-of-women/olympe-de-gouges/9781781575673
Equal Power by Jo Swinson: https://www.waterstones.com/book/equal-power/jo-swinson/9781786491893
Doing Good Better by William Macaskill: https://www.waterstones.com/book/doing-good-better/william-macaskill/9781783350513
On Liberty by Shami Chakrabtti:https://www.waterstones.com/book/on-liberty/shami-chakrabarti/9780141976310
Who Rules the World? by Noam Chomsky:https://www.waterstones.com/book/who-rules-the-world/noam-chomsky/9780241189450

Songs

Older by Ben Platt:https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=y_sADbvPmzE
World Changers by Mathew West: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uZ2-OcyDu6I
I'm Still Standing by Elton John:https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FLssu1hh_II
Non Stop - Hamilton:https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DPgE7PNzXag
Defying Gravity - Wicked:https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IXzFOHrycHg
Say Something I'm giving up on you by Stellenbosch University Choir: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WdnPAIFn32A
Baba Yetu by Stellenbosch University Choir: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PCa8RxaOPW8


I hope you find these as powerful as I do.

Prayer Requests

- Just one this week, for everyone with privilege to engage in learning and listening and acting to readdress the balance in the world. And for everyone with vulnerability be blessed with hope and strength to keep on fighting the good fight.

Thank you for reading my thirtieth blog post - hope you have a world changing week!

Wit and Wisdom comes at a cost

Have recently had the best weekend of my summer.
From Friday evening to Monday evening (August bank holiday) I have:

Laughed and smiled with more intensity than I have when you put most of the summer together.
Eaten an eclectic range of festival food.
Heard challenging activist ideas that make me want to step up my protesting game.
Had SO many conversations with strangers from all over the country.
Experienced LGBTQ+ inclusion and celebration like never before.
Listened to some beautiful live music.
Learnt more about fringe theologians and ways of turning the Bible on its head.
Looked up at the stars from my sleeping bag.
Networked with organisations I look up to.
Been swept up by poetic eloquence.
Started and almost finished a new notebook.

I spent my bank holiday weekend at Greenbelt Festival.
https://www.greenbelt.org.uk/







And as I write this having been home a couple of weeks then I am already booked on to go again in 2020. With the deeply depressing state of British politics and a very difficult couple of days mentally and physically then I want something to look forward to in the coming months! My health for most of this summer has made me an observer of sunshine, holidays and friends catching up with one another.

But for a weekend then I went as wild as I sensibly could and extroverted my heart out.
I booked Greenbelt in October 2018 because I wanted to add another experience to my strong independent woman collection. To go to a festival on my own with no commitments to others was a first and I loved it.
Have been to several conferences on my own and travelled to South Africa and Australia solo, but have always been met with people/ projects at each airport.

Greenbelt is a festival built on the crossover passions of art, faith and justice.
At different moments during the long weekend then my love of each of these was drawn out, celebrated and met with encouraging solidarity.

The title of this blog post is 'wit and wisdom comes at a cost' and this speaks not only to the emotion and physical cost that came personally to me - had to take two full bed days to begin to recover. But also the messages of Greenbelt if taken in a serious and practical way come at a cost. The ideas and ideals espoused should make us uncomfortable. Reviewing our privilege, our cultural norms and our understanding of the Bible shouldn't ever be static...

Have linked as many of the people/ organisations/ talks as I can.
They are the best way to give you a flavour of what I got up to. Would reccomend investigating any that take your interest, feel free to send me a message if you want to know more about my reaction/ questions/ response to any of these events. I went to more than is listed, but these were some of my highlights!

Art

Spoken word Poetry: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cxGWGohIXiw
Live Music: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=25TKskR9qLY
Comedy: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=g8QE5s-P5ts
Woke Hip Hop Performance: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UVkfAlCGhIQ


Faith

Holy Mothers of God: https://winchester.academia.edu/MarikaRose?fbclid=IwAR361nR1ZrTuol-NFCXoR3VKQmCHvDjgG7YTP_rDD0SBrmTbG6UNZO7MSdE
Shameless Conversation: http://www.nadiabolzweber.com/
Single Friendly Church:https://www.singlefriendlychurch.com/


Justice

People vs Tech:
https://docs.google.com/document/d/1i3xuOMB7v2CIgxVrPv_WDFWTDmCh0imO93YDX6uqN9M/edit?usp=sharing
Civil Disobidence:https://www.greenbelt.org.uk/product/how-civil-disobedience-can-change-the-world/
Art as a form of protest or propaganda? : https://www.greenbelt.org.uk/product/is-protest-art-just-propaganda-or-is-all-art-a-form-of-protest/
Hanging out with the Outsiders: https://demos.co.uk/people/jamie-bartlett/


Prayer Requests:

- I am now just over a week away from moving back to Bath to start my placement with St Michael's.
So prayers for my brain and body as I adjust to changing context and circumstances would be great.
- For EVERYONE engaged in politics whether that is a party member, MP or peer or journalist or activist. The temptation to turn away is strong but the need to hold those in power to account must always be stronger.
- For Mia as she starts GCSEs this year.
- For Mum as she does starts her Return to Nursing course, going to uni for the first time.
- For Dad as he starts his new job as Dean of Aston Law and Business School.
- For Tom as he continues with his foundation degree and looks for a placement.
- For Richard White and his family who have recently moved to Bath to become the new minister at St Michael's.

Thank you for supporting me in this slightly chaotic but beautiful summer. Thank you for making it to the end of my twenty ninth blog post - have an adventurous week!

48 hours of invisible illness

Last week I travelled from city to city, family to family and friend to friend.

It was lovely to catch up with a mix of people and live out a snapshot of what my summer could have been.

Monday and Tuesday were completely different days, and really captured where my body is at right now. Thought it would be interesting and informative to share them with you.

My norm currently is to nap for about an hour every day. 

This sometimes needs to happen in the morning, sometimes the afternoon or the evening. I almost always sleep for a further nine hours at night. This may sound like a luxury, but for me it is a necessity and one I would be happy to trade. 

I was unable to nap Saturday and Sunday due to a busy and wonderful social schedule I had put in place. Making the most of the moments with a large group of university friends is important to me, will be harder to do this during our placement year. 

This meant that Monday was destined to be crash day, even after eleven hours of sleep. 

I slept not once, but twice during the day - this is quite rare, but was absolutely needed.

My first nap had to happen after breakfast, didn't even make it into the shower before I had exhausted myself. I wake from a dreamless nap a bit confused and foggy - but since it isn't much of a choice then it is what it is.
To steal a friends metaphor, then it is a bit like being desperate to go to the loo, you can hold it in but you are always thinking about how quickly you can get there, and then you experience relief when you make it. My exhaustion meant that napping was in the back of my mind both Saturday and Sunday, but I was able to hold myself up. 

Post nap one, I showered and had a deep chat about life, faith and the future with the wonderfully wise Becky. 

Then went back to bed for nap two. 

On waking had a second deep chat that was pre-scheduled with a university friend (yes, I appreciate not everyone schedules deep chats, but that's a me thing to do). 

After this I chilled on the sofa and chatted before helping make supper. Then finished the day over brownies and hot chocolate and a medium level deep chat, the intensity decreased as the hours of the day passed. 

I then texted a few Westminster friends knowing that I would be visiting Parliament the following day, thought I would see who was around and decide how to fill my time before meeting a dear friend for drinks that evening. 

Was pleasantly surprised to get both a tea and cake invite and a lunch offer - set my alarm and slept.

Got up on Tuesday excited to be adding new experiences to my growing collection of memories in the Palace of Westminster. Before leaving Wimbledon I came up with an exit plan, a way to get back to a bed and nap if I needed to. Was very apparent in this moment that I had made the right decision to cancel my Lib Dem Placement - by Monday to Friday could well have included days at this level of intensity.

Headed into central London feeling optimistic, cheered on by a 10% increase in my average from first year to second year. WOOOHOOO!

Had tea and cake in the House of Lords via the Peers Library with Lorely.

Had lunch in Portculius House with Karen. 

Went to a weekly service in St Mary Undercroft's Chapel underneath Parliament. 

Went to the Public Gallery in the House of Commons. 

Went to a discussion on Mental Health in Young People in Westminster Hall.

Went to the Public Gallery in the House of Lords. 

Went to Portculius House to meet Sarah and then for drinks from the Strangers Bar and caught up on the terrace looking onto the Thames. 

Went for Pizza with Sarah to celebrate our reunion of just over a year.

Got the tube back to Wimbledon. 

So I made it through a crazy day without having to back out part way through, was however absolutely shattered afterwards but managed a one nap day on Wednesday.
Thank you to everyone who played a part in my weeks travels, was a lot of fun!

A metaphor often given to CFS/ME is the idea of spoons. Spoons full of energy, with CFS/ME you start everyday will less spoons then a able bodied person, you have to choose how to spend these carefully because once they are gone they are gone. I used up all my spoons on one day and then had to rest for the next few days working myself slowly back up to active days.
Whilst I was diagnosed at Christmas with CFS/ME I can identify plenty of times where I have had to go intense spoon management. It is always frustrating and can rob you of any sense of control you feel you had over your life. I am still learning how to manage my spoons efficiently.

So there are two days of my life next to each other. I don't write this post out of a sense of pity or regret for my decisions, but as a way of documenting what life was like summer of 2019.

As the week continued there were good days and more challenging ones. I am writing this post now on Sunday evening after a really difficult day, felt physically very weak - standing up/ sitting and walking were all demanding. But in some good news my dress and walking stick were matching paisley - so that's a win!
Some people only had to look at me and know just how much I was struggling, others I imagine had very little idea, this is the nature of invisible illness.

I am now editing this at the end of the week, victories of the last five days include:

- Doing my first online shop
- Baking flapjack and lemon cake
- Finally selecting and cutting out the photos for Tom's photo cube, only 7 months after we turned 21
- Making a brave haircut decision
- Walking for one hour on one day
- Doing two shifts at work
- Keeping two rabbits alive
- Finishing and starting a new political book written by awesome feminists role models
- Dancing around the kitchen after 5 hours of straight political coverage watching, the Disney playlist made me human again until I saw the cabinet appointments and then I lost my mind again...
- Managed two days without naps even though I had the time to take them

Who knows what I might achieve next week!

Prayer Requests

- Use time living on my own (for the first time with my family away) as a healthy way to reflect without spiralling unhelpfully
- For my walking capacity to substantially increase
- For my family as they wonder through a jungle and soak up all the delights Costa Rica has to offer
-For my motivation for future plans and responsibilities return
- For our country with Boris Johnson as Prime Minister and the appalling cabinet he has appointed, really hope a general election is called as soon as possible
- A restful and grounding summer recess for MPs and Peers, boy are they going to need their energy when they return!

This is my twenty eighth blog post, thank you for reading, hope you have a restful week!

Long time no blog...

It's been many months since I uploaded, have drafted a few posts but never got round to editing them sufficiently to put them up. But now that I am having my second gap  year (sort of) then I thought it was about time to bring this back. Both for my sanity and hopefully for your enjoyment.

Have just finished my second year at the University of Bath studying Politics and International Relations, I absolutely love it - no doubt I chose the right city and the right degree! I am now, therefore, on my placement year.
This is something that almost all universities offer, but none do it quite like Bath, there you see 2/3rds of students take their 3rd year out to work/ study/ intern before coming back for final year. So my friends and I are all going off in different directions from this summer till next.

Being me then I decided against the usual, supported and probably easier and potentially paid route - because why do that when you could write your own and volunteer in an organisation you never imagined spending so much time in?

Originally I was going to spend three months of the summer living and working in London at Lib Dem HQ in the membership and engagement department. However my medical advice for several reasons was to cancel this and prioritise rest, after an intense pros and cons list I agreed and am now adjusting.
This means that my placement properly starts in September back in Bath. .

Despite brainstorming and talking about this for the last 6 months, it still takes me aback slightly that this is the direction my year is going in. Had always thought I would be working for an NGO that specialised in human rights. Looked at going to the UN, the Hague, Amnesty International and Freedom from Torture amongst others. As I spoke to students who had got back from their placements at the start of this academic year then I made a point of asking about the pastoral support in the offices they worked in, keen not to trigger my PTSD - and the consistent response was 'what pastoral support?! Mental illness and breakdown is just part of the office culture' this was rather painful to hear.
But left me with an ultimatum, either I could risk my parents disowning me and spend my final year in recovery by taking on a high risk placement in something I loved, OR I could do something very out of character in some ways, and do a placement that was safe.

I imagine you will be pleased to hear that I opted for the second option and am working for the Church of England, specifically St Michael's Twerton. One day teaching/supporting the Chaplin in the local junior school, one day helping out at the local coffee shop/ food bank, one day doing a foundation theology course, one day working in the church office/ volunteering at youth group and one day to ground myself and catch up.

If you want to find out more about the church then follow this link: http://stmichaelstwerton.com/

Also stepping up my student politics by being on three committees: Public Debates Manager for BUDS, Women's Officer for Lib Dems and Ethical Political Representative for Societies Exec.


That all feels quite a way away at the moment, got 3 months till all of that begins.
So, have made a list. Need to rest this summer but also don't want to get bored, so am applying some of the coping mechanisms I benefited from in my gap year.

- Binging books
- Going to the theatre with friends
- Cooking for family
- Walking around Dorridge
- Attending conferences I wouldn't have otherwise gone to
- Visiting friends around the UK
- Notebooking and blogging

You will see all of the fun on my social media, but I will continue to also make an effort to share the moments in between, the exhaustion/ frustration and challenge. When I got diagnosed with Chronic Fatigue Syndrome then I followed activists, joined support groups and liked awareness campaigns for Invisible Illness. This has been heartwarming, humbling and refreshing. If you are ever in a position where you feel lost as a result of circumstance or diagnosis, then finding other people who are getting angry about the same things is so worth it.

Here are some of my favourite posts:







Change is something I have always struggled with.
Perhaps because I tend to give my all to everything and fully immerse myself in tasks then it takes a lot of head space to let a project go and begin another one.
Here is some photos to capture the time that has elapsed between my last blog post (November) and this one and to give you an idea of the transition I am in:

















I have now been home for 2 weeks and haven't been able to do loads, but these are the headlines.

Here are some books I have read so far:

- Rise by Gina Miller
- Everything I know about love by Dolly Alderton
- A Feminist Manifesto for the 99%
- Why I Write by George Orwell
- Return to the Little Coffee Shop of Kabul by Deborah Rodriguez

Key books currently reading:

- Harvesting a Heart by Jodi Picoult
- Psmith, Journalist by PG Woodhouse
- The Strange Death of Europe by Douglas Murry

Also been to see three shows, two at the RSC and one at the Rep


And probably the best thing I've had the chance to do is go to the National Liberal Club for the Lib Dem Christian Forum annual Gladstone Lecture - this time it was on 'Prophets, Protesters and Poets' by Mark Oakly.




So there you go, this is where I am at right now.
I aspire to post 5 blog posts in the next 3 months, including this one.
Turns out this is something I have founder harder to do post Cape Town, when my body is broken then it is a challenge to form sentences to my standard. This post was okay, because it was just about providing context and life updates. But I want to write about big thoughts and internal and external debates, will have to be patient and see whether that is realistic.

Prayer Requests: 

- Help transitioning from university to home and from thinking I was moving to London to staying at home, and my family as they journey this with me
- Good use of time, balancing projects and sleep
- Radical acceptance of my limits
- Head space to be grateful
- For the country as we see a change in Prime Minister and await their plans regarding Brexit and general legislation between now and the current deadline of the 31st October
- Healing as I reflect on the past, especially as I write letters to all the people who have hurt me - will never send these, but am using my spare time to gain some closure

Thank you for making it to the end of my twenty seventh blog post, I hope you have a restful week!